They say that time heals all wounds, but I beg to differ. The wounds don’t heal, I guess time just makes you stronger, strong enough to deal with the gaping hole in your chest. Nothing can or will heal the loss of Faris, nothing can ease the chronic, agonising pain that I felt in my entire body. A pain that just won’t go away. A pain that got worse each and every single day.

The 5 stages of grief.

1 – Denial

Every morning I would open his conversation on my BBM and write to him.

Dana: Good morning! What do you want to do today? Let’s go out for lunch…

I’d wait minutes until the three lines turned into a check mark, waiting for the message to deliver but it never did. There were lines and lines of endless messages that never delivered. I didn’t want to accept the fact that he was dead because I couldn’t live without him, I refused to. I refused to eat, I refused to sleep, I refused to accept the irreversible reality I had to live in without him.

The more I messaged him, the more it hurt.

Dana: I miss you.

Dana: Faris, answer.

After I finally give up, I put my phone back under my pillow and try to fall asleep. Although I knew there wasn’t a chance of that happening without the aid of some sort of pill. I watch the storm brewing outside my window and I begin to cry, I was always scared of thunder and lightning. Faris usually came over and watched a movie with me. He knew how scared I was of storms. I pulled my phone out from under my pillow and called him.

Inevitably, I got his voice mail.

“Hi, this is Faris, please leave a message after the tone”

“BEEP” the machine beeped on the other end of the phone.

“Faris, it’s stormy outside, I’m sitting in bed and I’m scared… I wish you were here…” I silently weeped.

“Every single breath I take reminds me of you, every single thing I do Faris, every single thing reminds me of you. I’m scared Faris. I don’t know where I’m going to go with my life without you in it” I managed to say as I wiped my tear drops away.

“Please come back” I whispered into the phone and ended the call.

2 – Anger

Seconds felt like hours, minutes felt like days, and days felt like years. Every day dragged on, and the nights felt like they would go on forever. I cried until I could not see in front of me, I cried but my tears never ran dry. I never thought that this would happen to me, I never thought that he would leave me. Why would he do that? Why would he go? The one person I couldn’t live without, why would he do that to me?

3 – Bargaining

What if he’d stayed? What if he hadn’t died? What if we kept fighting? What if there were better doctors? A better hospital? A new technology? Something that could have saved him? Why can’t he be here again? We’d handle things differently.

Dana: I need you.

Dana: I’d do anything, just come back.

4 – Depression

I miss him. There are no words in any language in the world to do my feelings justice. I never thought that I could go through everything I went through and still survive. I may have survived, I may still be alive, but I felt dead. There was no indication of life in me other than my beating heart. There was nothing to do.

5 – Acceptance

He died. Faris died in my arms. Every time I thought of the last thing he said to me I felt this agonising pain that would rip through my body; and I thought maybe soon the torture would end. But it didn’t, it didn’t ease, it didn’t subside. It just kept on eating my chest away, feeding on me… More like what was left of me…

Sitting at his funeral was one of the most excruciatingly difficult experiences I had to endure. Hearing his name followed by ‘Allah Yer7amah’ sent waves of torture through my body. It was an agony I could not escape.

__________________________________________________

The sun rose in the distance but you could barely see it behind the dust storm. As soon as the Al Fajer prayer was over my mum walked into my room.

“Good morning, 7abeebti. I knew you’d be awake.”

“Yeah mama, I didn’t sleep.” I sighed.

“Why don’t you get some sleep 7abeebti?” she said as she sat at the edge of my bed and rearranged the pillows behind my head.

“I will in a bit mama, I’m just going to wait until the storm has cleared” I replied.

“Ok 7abeebti, I’ll be outside if you need me.”

“Ok” I sighed as she walked out the room. I couldn’t even speak to my own mother, I was too hurt, but I knew I would eventually survive, I knew things would get better. I guess all this pain just proves I’m a human.

Photograph: L.y.d on Flickr

Fast asleep embracing him in my arms, my left hand in his, I felt a slight tap on my shoulder.

“Faris?” I said and I instantly sprung up from the bed.

“No dear, it’s just me” the nurse said.

“His family is outside talking to the doctor, they’re walking in soon, they’re here to see him”

“Oh ok, thanks. I’ll get up” I said, put my flip flops and sat on the chair beside his bed.

Seconds later, his mother and aunties walked in. After saying hello to them all I reached the last person beside the door, his mother. I looked at her and saw the tears that lingered at the bottom of her eye. Her eyes full of sorrow and grief. I knew words were not what she needed, all she needed was a hug. So I enveloped her into my arms and gave her the biggest hug I’ve ever given before.

“7abeebti intai” she whispered into my ear.

After spending the rest of the morning and afternoon in a room full of people, fake smiles, fake tears, fake hellos and fake goodbyes. As soon as night fell and the sound of mosque outside calling the Maghreb prayer, the people started leaving, all of them left except his mother.

“Dana why don’t you go home 7abeebti?” she looked at me as she put her hand on my shoulder and slightly squeezed it.

“I can’t Khalty, I can’t leave him”

“Dana even I don’t stay with him as much as you do”

“But Khalty, I just can’t leave. Even if I do go home, I know I’ll come straight back”

“Why don’t you go home and get some sleep sweetheart?”

“I can’t sleep unless I’m here, unless I know he’s okay. If that machine stops beating, then so will I”

“Whatever helps you sleep better” she replied, I walked her out of the room and kissed her forehead and said our goodbyes. Once again we were alone.

“Finally huh?” I said as I took my flip flops off again, sat down on my chair and put my feet up on the bed.

“I was getting sick of kissing all those people, let’s finish our book okay?” I picked up the book and opened it up at page 129 and started reading.

I spotted his toe move out of the corner of my eye. Looked up at his eyes that were closed. I shrugged it off and continued to read to him. Seconds later I saw his fingers move, I was certain of it, I knew I wasn’t hallucinating.

“FARIS!” I loudly exclaimed.

His eyes were troubled, full of fear, I’m sure he was scared to his core, I would be too, he couldn’t speak with the tube in his mouth.

“I’ll… I’ll… I’ll go get the nurse” I stammered as I rolled off the bed and ran to the nurses station bare foot.

“He’s… Awake” I managed to say.

The nurses all scurried to the room as I put my hands on my face and wept tears of joy. Seconds later they walked back out of the room, all looking dismayed.

“What? What’s wrong?” I shouted.

“He isn’t awake dear”

“What do you mean he isn’t awake? I saw his hand move, I saw him, he opened his eyes”

“You must have been imagining dear”

“I’m not delusional! I’m not crazy! Come, look at his hand, he’ll move it just wait”

So we stood and watched him in silence for about 4 minutes, but he didn’t move.

“Faris, wake up, do it. Move your finger like you did when I was reading to you”

The nurses sighed and turned their back to leave the room. As soon as they did he moved his finger.

“LOOK! LOOK! He moved his finger!” They all turned around just in time to see him open his eyes. I left the room, cleared my throat and dialed his mothers number.

“Khalty, Faris… Faris is awake” I ended the phone call as quickly as possible and walked back into his room, I sat beside him and dried my tears.

“You’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be better, better than before. I know it’s going to be difficult to talk, I’m sure your throat hurts. Do you want some water? Are you cold? Do you want me to cover you? Are you in pain?” I rambled on aimlessly.

“Shhh” he said as he brought his index finger up to my lips. I broke into a pool of tears as I brought both my hands up and held his wrist.

“Don’t ever do that to me again” I bawled. “Don’t ever leave me Faris, don’t ever close your eyes again” I sobbed and sobbed.

“Shhh” he said once again and pulled me towards him as I nestled my head on his shoulder. “I love you” he said, differently to the way he’s ever said it before. I finally knew what he meant, it wasn’t just an ‘I love you’ it was ‘I LOVE you’

“I love you too, I love you more” I continued to cry and put my arm around his waist.

“Faris I’m so sorry I never knew. I’m so sorry Faris, please forgive me. I love you, I love you, I love you” I kept repeating those three words, but they never lost their meaning, not like when you say a word long enough till it becomes a sound. It wasn’t a sound, it was three words that had my entire life and soul in them.

“I love you” he replied.

That was it, this is it. It was finally happening, my life long quest to find real love was finally true. I finally had my knight in shining armor.فارس أحلامي

Picture: Taken by Aisha Al Saif

Everyone knew not to wake me, everyone knew my room was off limits. I lay awake, unaware of the world outside my 4 walls. If only he knew what I would’ve done for him, how I would walk to the end of the earth and back for another minute, or even another second of being with him. How much I wanted to hold him, hold his face in my hands and kiss his lips and have him kiss me back. I would give my soul for him to open his eyes, I wished that I would die and he could live. I could deal with a lot of things, but I couldn’t deal with Faris dying.Now what? Where do I go? What was I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to speak to when I need someone to speak back?

As I walked into the doors of the hospital I felt like today was going to be different, like there would be some sort of medical miracle and he would wake up from his vegetative state. We still had over 2 weeks to wish for the best. 2 weeks of crying, of torture, of prayers, of pain; but most importantly, 2 weeks of hope.

“Good morning” I said to the nurse, I’m pretty sure what I said sounded more like a question, rather than a statement.

“Good morning” she replied.

“Any improvements?” I asked hopelessly.

“No improvements, no changes” she said in dismay.

“He’ll wake up” I said and walked towards his room in the ICU.

“Good morning you old fart!” I said and kissed him on his forehead.

“The weather is starting to get warmer, I know. typical Kuwaiti winter. The weather is below zero in New York according to my google page. You’d have a bitch fit, it was freezing yesterday, today I’m literally wearing flip flops. If you look on the bright side then I guess chalet season is back! We can go jet skiing, wake boarding, tanning, fishing”

I looked around the room, I was running out of things to say, one way conversations weren’t really my forte.

“You know my grandma had one of those tube-y things in her throat when she was in hospital, when she woke up she was so mad at the doctors cos her lips were so dry; and you know how mama used to take care of her lips the whole time. She was constantly stealing my chapstick, so I bought you a dozen labello sticks so you don’t steal mine”

I had to make him think I was still living my life and not locking myself in my room every night so I tried coming up with a lie.

“I went shopping yesterday, I bought these really cute pair of shoes; you’d be proud of me though cos I bought them on sale and it was like I practically saved money! I’ll wear them when you get out of hospital, there’s this new restaurant that opened on the gulf road, I promise I won’t go without you” I said and smiled.

“The doctors are telling me you’re getting better” I lied

“… and that you’re going to wake up soon” I lied again.

“I can’t wait, this hospital is boring and the dude in the room beside you” I leaned in to his ear and whispered “Smells like rotten animal carcass, seriously needs a shower, so do you while we’re on the subject” I giggled a little.

“I’m gonna read for you, remember I used to read for you when we were kids? The book is called ‘Love Letters of Great Men’ I know, I know you’re going to give me crap cos Carrie read it to Big, but that was just one line of the book, besides you bought it for me, remember? We were in Borders, it was after class, they were just about to shut, you ran in and got it for me and I was standing outside in the rain”

So I read to him, our reading session ended on page 129.

“… my soul clings to your soul, my life is your life, and in all the world of pain and pleasure you are my ideal of admiration and joy…” I folded the corner of the page and closed the book.

“That was from Oscar Wilde to his lover, who you probably already know is a man, there still is one love letter in that book, it wasn’t published though, I added it to the book on the very last page and I won’t read it to you, you’re gonna have to read it when you wake up Faris”

I stopped talking cos I had nothing to talk about so I dropped my flip flops on the floor and lay down beside him, brought my lips up to his ears and began to whisper.

“I miss you so much and you need to wake up because I can’t live without you” I paused and a tear dropped rolled down my cheek.

“I can’t think, I can’t see, I can’t eat, I can’t breathe without you Faris, it’s hard to breathe without you. I can’t sleep at night because I lay awake in bed praying for you, I pray because I’m scared, scared God is going to take you away. I’m not saying I can’t wait Faris, because I can wait, I can wait forever. I’ve got years to wait; but you have to wake up. For me , for us. I’m nothing without you”

I ended our one sided conversation on that note and fell asleep, soundly, for the first time in over a week, only because I could feel his heart beating in my ear, as far as I was concerned he was alive, and if his heart continued to beat then so would mine.

Photograph: Something Monumental on Flickr

”Why are you giving me your car keys?” I asked.

“You’re driving, I’m beat” He replied.

“Okay, let’s go” I said and stood up, I stretched my hand in front of me to help him get up. He stood up on his two feet and fell back to the ground again after I had let go.

“FARIS!” I exclaimed. “What’s wrong 7abeebi?” I knelt at the ground beside him.

But he wouldn’t open his eyes. He started to flutter his eyelashes and 10 excruciatingly long seconds later he opened his eyes and finally spoke.

“Cramp, my leg” he murmured breathlessly.

“Whenever you’re ready” I said and sat beside him. He said it was a cramp in his leg, but I wasn’t convinced, a cramp would never cause you to fall to the ground and lose consciousness for 15 seconds.

“I’m good” he said around five minutes later.

So I drove us home as I watched my best friend lopsidedly sleep in the passenger seat and I couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with him. As soon as we got to my home, my mother greeted us at the door.

“You two are a sight for sore eyes!” she exclaimed and hugged us both. “Are you eating here this morning? Or are you off to some restaurant?”

“No khalty, we’re eating here” he half smiled at her.

“Ok, then you go inside, get some food in you 7abeebi Faris, you look weak”

“7ather khalty” He obeyed.

“I’m leaving to work… You kids enjoy your day”

“Kids?!” Faris and I said in unison.

“You will always be kids to me” She said and smiled as she looked at the two of us.

We waved my mother goodbye and went into my home, I let Faris sleep in my bed and I went downstairs to prepare breakfast.

I stood up from the bed as soon as she left the room, I left my first letter in her favourite book, the poetry one that her Grandfather wrote. I then picked up a pad of paper and started writing another letter.

Dana,

I didn’t think this would be the way I would tell you this but I’m ill Dana, very, very ill. I don’t know how much longer I have to live, I wouldn’t want to ruin our last days together by telling you this because you wouldn’t be happy. I don’t ever want you to be sad Dana, I don’t want you to shed a single tear although I know you will; and as much as I know you need me, God knows I need you too. The times we spent together were the best days of my life, there hasn’t been a single second that I spent with you where I wasn’t happy. I’ve loved you for years and years Dana, I’ve loved you for every waking second of every single day; and when I’m gone, where ever I go after this, whether it’s heaven or hell or another life. Just know that I will love you, with all my heart and soul, and I will take care of you, I’ll be your guardian angel and your guiding light in the darkness. I love you more than words, just know this much is true.

Faris x

I went back to the room to wake him up a few hours later.

1 week, 4 days and 8 hours later

I lifted my head off my pillow for the very first time. With his scrunched up letter in my hand I got out of bed, I found his sweater on the floor, I didn’t even know it was there, I put it over my week old clothes. I paused to smell it, but didn’t shed a single tear. Walking out of my room, thoughts and flashbacks of him were running through my head as I made my way down the staircase of my home, memories of us when we were 9 or 10 years old sliding down the banister haunted me. I walked down the cream hallway and got to the living room, I saw our graduation photograph beside my family portrait on the living room table, I saw it and couldn’t hold my tears in any longer, they came streaming down my face and drenched his navy blue sweater. I took the large frame off the coffee table and lay on the living room couch in the fetal position, I cradled the photograph and the letter in my arms and bawled my eyes out.

I cried from my heart of hearts, from the very core of my soul. I cried for all the times I failed to see how in love with me he was, how I neglected his emotions all those years.

I cried because I wish he knew how deeply I was in love with him as well, how I thought things would never have worked out because of how close we were as friends.
I cried because all those years my soul mate was right in front of me but I was too blind to see it.

Photograph: An Goban Saor on Flickr

(Note: the paragraph in red is Faris, not Dana)

“… My fiance” she finally spoke after a long pause.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you” he said, putting his hand out in front of him, for me to shake it. I felt my heart fall into my stomach as soon as I heard his voice. It hurt me to think that he had to act like he didn’t know me.

“Dana, the pleasure is all mine” I turned my back to face Latifa to talk to her. I completely ignored his existence, like he ignored the fact that he knew me, probably better than she did.After the 10 minutes or so of fake conversation, Faris and I left.

“Are you okay?” Faris whispered.

“I’ll be fine, let’s go get some real food, there’s only so much pretentiousness I can handle for one night”

After gossiping about everyone at the party over burgers, fries and root beer floats at Johnny Rockets, Faris dropped me home. As soon as I walked into my bedroom I received 2 messages.

Yousef: This isn’t what it looks like. I’m sorry Dana, for everything.

Faris: Wake up at 5AM, don’t ask questions, I’ll be outside at 5:30. Good night, love you x

I shook my head, put my phone on my bedside table and went to sleep, at least I attempted. I couldn’t stop thinking, about him, me, life, love, what I did to deserve all this. All the while I had no idea what was in store for me.

I tossed and turned in bed, I didn’t know whether I should tell her or not, I loved her, more than just a friend. I couldn’t ruin our friendship though, I’ve known Dana since I was in diapers. I’m sure she doesn’t see me the same way I see her. There’s only so much I can handle, Rakan is one thing but Yousef, Yousef is another. I was so close to beating his face in today. The way he looked at her boiled my blood. The way he dissected every inch of her body, as if he were undressing her with his eyes.
If only she knew, if only she felt the same way about me, if only she knew how many nights I’ve spent laying awake in bed thinking of her. Thinking of everything she meant to me. If only she had any idea how many times I drove past houses and imagined it to be ours. The amount of weddings I’ve been to and wished it was her up there on the kosha. I wanted Dana so badly, not as friends, not as lovers, I wanted her to be my wife. If only she’d open eyes and see me in a different light.
I decided I couldn’t do this anymore, my thoughts were consuming me, I turned the lights on, pulled a pad of paper and pen from my nightstand and began to write.

Dana,

This is weird, really weird, I never imagined myself sitting here writing a letter, to you of all people. This isn’t just a letter though, it’s deeper than that. Dana, all my life I’ve had feelings for you, I never once doubted the love in my heart for you. I never once thought I was infatuated by you, or it was just a phase. I love you Dana, and not in a friendly way. I do love you as a friend, but I think we’d be better off as more than just friends. When I’m with you I feel safe, like I’m sheltered from all the trouble in the world, poverty, war, hurricanes, floods, everything Dana. You, being with you, being next to you makes me immune to anything. I feel like if I were with you, and we jumped off a cliff we’d survive. You make me feel super human.
I love you because we can comfortably share silence without feeling the need to talk because it’s awkward. I love you because you give me hope. I love you because I can be myself. I love you and I don’t know, why or how. I love you because you’re my best friend, because you’re my soul mate, because there isn’t another soul on God’s green earth that has ever made me half the man I am when I’m with you.
You don’t have to feel the same way, you don’t even have to speak to me again after today but I’m sorry Dana, I can’t look into your eyes without feeling the need to express my love for you, what you’ve meant to me and everything you are. I could go on, forever and ever and ever; but there aren’t enough words in every language in the world to do my feelings justice. This isn’t love Dana, this is way more. You are everything I have ever looked for in a woman and more. My love for you never ceases to amaze me, I fall deeper in love with you every single day.
What I feel for you is beyond love, beyond words, beyond the power of the strongest force in this universe. My love for you is a million different contradictions, you’re my alpha and my omega, my day and my night, my beginning and my ending, my first and my last. If I could create a new world to describe my love for you, I would.

Faris x

I ended the letter with an x, those silly little x’s she puts after everything she writes. I folded the paper and tucked it in my wallet. The clock finally struck 5AM, I got up, showered, put my jeans on and took the first t shirt off the pile in my closet. I made my way to her house, the closer I got, the faster my heart beat.
About 15 minutes later we got to our destination.

“Why are we here? Seriously Faris? A smelly beach behind a hospital?” I said and looked at the marshy piece of land in front of us.

“Not everything is always beautiful, just wait” he said and sat down on the ground. “Come here, sit with me, there’s still a lot of time left”

“Time left for what Faris?”

“Just sit” he said and pulled me to the ground to sit beside him.

I ended up falling asleep with my head on his knee. Almost half an hour later he woke me up.

“Dana…” He whispered. “Dana…” A little louder this time. “Wake up…”

I opened my eyes only to see something completely different to what I had fallen asleep to. The sun was up but it wasn’t bright and the whole beach front was filled with about 20 dozen flamingos, some of which were flapping their wings, some huddled up together, some flying, some still asleep. It was more beautiful than anything I’d ever seen in Kuwait.

“I know how much you love penguins, this is the best I could do” I said and smiled at her, seeing her happy, seeing her smile from ear to ear made me feel like a little kid again. She kept my heart young.

“Are you kidding? This is AMAZING Faris” she laughed appreciatively. Her laugh intoxicated me.

I stayed on the floor she stood up and ran towards the flamingos making crazy sounds and trying to catch them, she acted like a 6 year old when she was happy, and nothing overjoyed me more than seeing her this way.

“FARIS! TAKE MY PICTURE!!” she screamed from about 20 meters away. “TAKE A PICTURE!!!” she said again, louder this time.

After we were done with my mini photo shoot I sat back down beside Faris and put my arm around his waist.

“Here…” He said. I felt him push something into my hand.

Photograph: Nawras on Flickr

“Come on, get up… Put some warm clothes on, we’re going somewhere” he said and pulled me off the floor.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and the remainder of my make up, put some comfortable clothes on and left the hotel. With his arms around me, I never felt safer. I felt like I was immune from all pain and hurt in the world.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked between stray tear drops.

“I saw you walking in, and I heard you crying through the door, I wanted to surprise you”

“I love you” he said, as he wiped a stray tear drop rolling down my face with his hand.

“I love you too” I said and hugged him, so tight I could feel his heart beating through his chest, it was beating pretty fast. “Are you okay?” I asked, worried after hearing how fast his heart was beating.

“Yes” he replied “But you scared me Dana” he kissed the top of my head and we headed towards our destination that was unknown to me.

As we drove up to the Mall of emirates I was upset, I thought he knew me better, I was upset, but I was in no position to go shopping.

“Seriously? You’re taking me to the mall?”

“Just shut up…”

“Fine” I replied and sulked in my seat, this had better be good.

Almost half an hour later I was changing into a big puffy jacket and snow boots. He took me skiing, my favourite sport. He really did know me better than I knew me. We sat on the chair lift and hugged him so tight that my arms hurt.

“I love you… So much” I said as I looked into his eyes longingly.

“I love you too but I’m still beating your ass to the bottom of the slope” he winked.

“In your dreams” I said as I picked up my skis and began to race him down the slope.

After racing down slopes, taking a million pictures and having a heart felt talk over steaming cups of hot chocolate we left Ski Dubai. The clock struck midnight as we got into his car and drove away, away from the city, far, far away from the city. Away from heartache, pain, lies and deceit.

“Come back to Kuwait with me” he said sternly as he turned down the radio.

“But… What about…”

“What about nothing” he said, cutting me off before I could finish my sentence. “I’ll be your shrink Dana… I’ll be everything you need”

“I…”

“You nothing… You’re coming back to Kuwait with me” he said and took my hand out of my lap and kissed it, instead of returning it, he kept my hand in his. This was safety. I turned the volume back up with my free hand we were listening to our favourite band Kings of Leon. I laughed at the way he used his cell phone as a microphone and screamed all the words to the song. He actually believed he was a rock star. I smiled to myself because I had Faris, and with him in my life, I was never alone. Because there was no one that knew me better. No one.

A few weeks later I was heading out of the house to go to a cocktail engagement party with him, it was an old friend of ours from high school. We were just going for a laugh, to see who got married, who stayed skinny, who finally got rid of their mustache, and I haven’t even started talking about the men yet.

We walked in unaware of the festivities the night held for us. I kept envisioning Rakan there, like he would miraculously appear through the crowd, carrying two drinks in his hand. He would float through the cloud and come by my side, put his arm around me, he’d be mine, everyone would know. We’d get through the night, we’d drive home to our mansion and kids; but like Faris told me, I had to live for the now. Live for the now, live for the now. I repeated the sentence in my head.

I snapped out of my day dream, not because I wanted to, but because I saw a face in the crowd. Not the face I wanted to see.

“Faris, Faris he’s here”

“Who is hun?”

“Y-y-yousef”

“Why are you stuttering? It’s fine, chill.”

“W-w-what do you mean chill?

“It’s cool, it’s fine. Look I don’t wanna scare you but he’s coming over” Faris said, remaining a little too calm for my liking.

“What do you mean coming-over-here?” I mimicked Faris’s calm voice.

“Like his walking up behind you right now” He hissed at me and awkwardly waved at Yousef behind me.

“Hiiiiiiiii” Latifa cooed in my ear.

She leaned in to kiss me, I kissed both her cheeks and all the while he stood behind her, looking me right in the eye while Latifa, Faris and I exchanged formalities. I wanted to take my eyes off him but I couldn’t, pictures of the last time we were together flashed through my mind, one after the other, like a really fast slide show. They’re related, they have to be cousins or brother and sister, childhood friends, something. I couldn’t help but not want them to be together.

“This is Yousef …” She paused and smiled, I was waiting for a title after his name. I needed her to say something but she just kept quiet, torturing me with every second she remained quiet.

Photograph: Stereo Type on Flickr

He stood up from his chair, put the phone down and handed me a bouquet of white lilies, I looked at them and smiled, I liked lilies, but they weren’t roses. I thanked him and smiled although he saw the dismay in my eyes, but I concealed it with a fake smile. After we’d exchanged formalities we made our way to Ossiano, the sea food restaurant. We made small talk on the way there, it was still awkward though. The waiter showed us to our table beside the wall that was the glass of an aquarium.
After settling into our seats and finally gotten used to each others company we ordered our food. Being the man of course, he took the pleasure of ordering for me.
We spoke of everything, from our complicated childhoods to our crazy college days. He told me every single detail of his life (or at least that’s what I thought) his first car accident, his siblings names, his hobbies, his first celebrity crush, anything and everything you could imagine. We spoke about the most diverse subjects, from politics, to religion, to art and music.
After our food came silence fell on us as the exquisite food coloured and tantalized our pallets with all the flavour it had to offer. We spent the rest of the night indulging in each others company and presence. Our dinner finally came to an end. The waiter came over and placed the bill beside Yousef’s plate, he put his hand into his suit trouser pocket and pulled out his wallet.
I wish more than anything that I didn’t see what I saw next, I wished that I could rewind the last 10 seconds and pause right there, because up until a wedding band fell out of his pocket and rolled on to the floor, my night was perfect. I wanted to believe in my heart of hearts that Yousef was a good person. I wanted more than anything to believe he wasn’t married. I didn’t want it to be true, I didn’t want to believe my very own eyes.
The ring finally kept spinning and fell flat on the floor, I managed to take my gaze off it and looked into his eyes. I couldn’t look at him for more than a split second. I couldn’t help but wonder who she was, how much she loved him, what her name was, did they have children? The thought of him being out with me and her being at home thinking he’s working made me sick to my gut.

Being cheated on was bad, but being the other woman. That was worse.

Every thought of him touching me came rushing back, when he draped my scarf around my neck, or when he held the door open for me and put his hand in the curve of my back, I felt filthy, dirty, I was repulsed being in my own skin. I still couldn’t believe everything that had happened. I was raging on the inside, I felt like there was a monster inside of me waiting to be unleashed; but I did nothing. I quietly pushed my chair back, picked up my clutch from the table and excused myself. All the while nothing was running through my head except Rakan, he kept me sane, he kept the volcano that was about to erupt inside of me dormant.

“Dana, I can explain” he said as he stood up and his napkin fell to the floor.

“It’s pretty self explanatory Yousef, thank you for dinner” I walked away from the table leaving him standing alone like a rabbit caught in headlights.

“Dana!!” he called out as he caught up with me, he placed his hand on my shoulder. “Dana!!”

“Get your hands OFF me you cheating, unfaithful asshole!” I exclaimed as I turned around and violently pushed his hand away.

“Dana you don’t understand!” he put his hand on my shoulder again.

“Could you please call security on this man? I’m being harassed” I said to the manager standing at the door of the restaurant.

“Dana! It doesn’t have to be like this!” He called out behind me.

“Yes it does!” I yelled and threw the bouquet of white lily’s at his feet and walked out of the restaurant.

After finally making it to my room without shedding a single tear, I closed the door behind me, dropped my clutch and fell to the floor, I burst into tears. I cried like I had no control over my actions or body. I wanted to stop crying, I wanted to control myself, but I couldn’t.

It was too painful to love again, I had to learn to ignore love even if it came knocking on my door. Before I’d even concluded that thought I heard a loud knock on the door behind me, it was so violent that it shook the solid wood door and terrified me to my very core.

“DANA!” A mans loud voice came booming from behind the door.

Photograph: Puiyann on Flickr.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and night in bed, emailing Yousef. There was something about him, something addictive, I didn’t know what it was. No one has ever made me feel this way about them in such a short time span. He was like a drug, and boy was I addicted.As the sun set behind me, night fell over Dubai, I slowly began to feel the sleep kick in. I sent Yousef my last e-mail of the night, informing him I was going to bed.
After changing into my sleepwear and getting back into bed I decided to prop my laptop beside me. Volume on max, so that if he sends me anything, I’d wake up.

4 days later…

I stepped out of the bathroom, I was still in my dressing gown, my hair blow dried straight and pinned up temporarily. After spending close to half an hour perfecting my eyeliner, the door bell rang.

“House keeping, your dress is ready ma’am” the polite man said as he handed me my dress.

“Thank you”

“Have a good night ma’am”

“You too” I smiled and shut the door behind me. I hung the dress on the outside of the bathroom door and proceeded to walk back to the desk where my make-up and laptop was. After I’d finished painting my lips M.A.C’s Russian Red. I twirled my hair round and round my fingers and continued to stare at my face in the mirror propped up on the desk. I felt bad for what I was going to do tonight; so I decided to do the one thing that would rid me of my guilty conscious. Write Rakan a letter, sort of a letting go thing. I opened a blank document and began typing.

Rakan,

Ever since I was a little girl, ever since I knew what love was, it fascinated me. There was no force stronger than the power of love, at least nothing I’d ever encountered. It made the people around me laugh and rejoice. It made them happy, so happy that they’d smile for no reason; a smile so genuine that you could see it in their eyes. Love was so powerful, it could heal someone that was sick, from a mothers love tending to her child’s grazed knee, to the healing power of curing someone terminally ill. Yes, love was that powerful. It made people seem to be severely inebriated, but come to think of it, was there really a better substance than love to be under the influence of?
Unfortunately love was also strong enough to make someone terribly sad, so sad that their heart would actually break.
As much as I loved love, I never saw myself falling in love. I never thought I’d be ‘that’ girl, I couldn’t. I always knew that there was this one perfect person out there for everyone. I just didn’t have enough faith that there was one for me too.
Everything changed when I went to sleep that night. You Rakan, you changed me.

You showed me that it was ok to be in love, it was ok to feel pain, it was ok to get my heart broken. With you, I learned things I would have never learned in real life. As much as I learned from my experience, I also learned that you’re just my subconscious talking to me. You’re nothing but that voice in the back of my head; the one that tells me it’ll be ok at the end of the day, or the one that whispers in my ear and tells me to stop when I’m about to make a mistake. For once though, I’d love it if you’d let me make this one mistake.
Maybe it won’t turn out to be a mistake though… Maybe it’ll be the best thing that ever happened to me…

Dana x

I saved the document on my desktop, and I planned on keeping it there. I needed a constant reminder that Rakan didn’t exist.

I carefully put my dress on over my head, making sure not to ruin my lipstick or hair. Slipped on my plain black peep-toe Louboutins and finished it all off with my diamond stud earrings. After looking in the mirror for the millionth time that night I was finally convinced. I picked up my over sized black envelope clutch and proceeded to walk out the door. I waited in the lobby for the hotel car to pick me up, but my patience was quickly running out.

After the longest 10 minutes of my life, I parked my behind in the back seat of the car and let the driver know we were headed to Atlantis. Traffic was building up and I was running late, our dinner reservations were for 8PM, which was 15 minutes ago.
Just as I stepped out of the car my phone vibrated in my hand.

Incoming Call
Yousef
+965 ********

“Hello?” I cringed.

“You’re 15 minutes late” he said, not bothered to even answer my greeting, his husky voice gave me goose bumps and sent shivers down my spine.

“I know, I know, its just that there was traffic and the driver was late and…”

“It’s perfectly fine…” he said cutting my sentence off.

“But… You sounded…” I stopped talking as soon as I caught a glimpse of him in front of me, he was a few meters away, seated on a beige arm chair. He was wearing a grey suit and black loafers. In one hand he had his phone which was held to his ear and in the other he had a cigar. One leg crossed over the other, he looked a little too full of him self for my liking. He took a drag of his cigar and finally spoke…

“Sounded what?” he said as the smoke came out of his pursed lips and filled the air around him.

“Sounded… Angry” I finally managed to spit out. My gaze still fixated on him.

“Are you going to stand there all night?” he cheekily smiled, he was still looking forward so I had no idea how he saw me.

“Not unless you come and join me over here” I teased.

Photograph: Mike Cruz on Flickr

I stood up from the cold hard hotel bed and wiped the sleep and tears from my eyes. As I put my dressing gown on, I made my way to the desk facing my large windows, opened up my laptop and began to type an e-mail.

Subject: Delinquent in Dubai.

Hi Yousef,

It’s Dana, just in case my e-mail address didn’t give that away. I’m writing you this e-mail because as you already know from Faris I suffer from a speech impediment, ok well that’s not really true, it was a joke… It’s not entirely wrong either because I do actually find it easier to write than speak. I have a tendency to ramble on, I’m sorry.

Anyhow, I’m actually writing this e-mail to tell you I won’t be back in Kuwait for a while, not a few days like I’d told you when I saw you at the airport. You seem like a really nice guy and I wouldn’t want to lie to you or give you false information and leave you hanging or lead you on in anyway. I have things to take care of before I can come back home and maybe when I do come back we can get to know each other better like you implied. For the time being I wish you a safe flight back home.

Best regards,
Dana.

I buried my hands to the bottom of my handbag rummaging through the heap of papers trying to looking for his business card but I couldn’t find it. I looked through every drawer and compartment in the desk but still couldn’t find the card. I looked up and saw it propped up against the phone on my bedside table. As I walked up to the card and picked it up in my hand, I tracked my thoughts back to last night, I remembered that I’d clearly fallen asleep with the card in my hand. I had no idea at all how it ended up propped on the phone handle. Someone had to have put it there. Without going into deeper thought of why that had happened and trying to analyze it further, I proceeded to type his e-mail address into the box, crossed my fingers and clicked send.
Literally minutes after sending the e-mail I saw the purple Entourage icon bouncing off the dock. It was notifying me of a new e-mail. I clicked the icon.

RE: Delinquent in Dubai.

I’m glad you don’t have a speech impediment. Just wondering what was the business you were taking care of? Should I be worried? Are you married to an Emarati guy and finalising a divorce?

Confused in Cala d’Or.

RE: Delinquent in Dubai.

No I’m not married to an Emarati Guy; I’m not married period.
Where is Cala d’Or?

Dana.

RE: Delinquent in Dubai.

Well I’m glad you’re not married :)
And whatever it is, I hope it passes quickly because I can’t wait to see you.
Cala d’Or is a touristic area on the east coast of Mallorca, it’s really nice here. I’ve attached a few pictures for you.

Yousef.

RE: Delinquent in Dubai.

It looks lovely. The beach is breathtaking, it’s got nothing on our murky green water in Bnaider.

Dana.

RE: Delinquent in Dubai.

Hahaha, well the murky green Bnaider water is an acquired taste. Kinda like a cappuccino, it takes a little getting used to before you can really enjoy it ;)

Yousef.

RE: Delinquent in Dubai.

Words of wisdom :)

Dana.

RE: Delinquent in Dubai.

Just call me Yousef Confucius ;)

I’m about to leave the hotel.

LLL :)

RE: Delinquent in Dubai.

What’s LLL?

RE: Delinquent in Dubai.

You don’t catch on quick do you? Longer letter later ;)

I smiled to myself, shut my laptop down and made my way to my closet to put some clothes on. I looked at my surroundings, this 5×6 meter hotel room was my home for the next few weeks or so.
I was in Dubai to see someone about my mental state. I couldn’t possibly do it in Kuwait, everybody knows how much people talk. Even with patient confidentiality, word was bound to get out about the peculiar girl that had to see a psychiatrist about the recurring dreams she’s been having.

I put on the most conventional thing I packed in my suitcase, a pair of jeans, converse trainers and a plain black sweater and without further delays I made my way to my appointment.
After spending over an hour pouring my heart out to Kate, my newly found confidant. I actually felt better, like I’d gotten things off my chest. Kind of like this burden I’d been carrying on my shoulders. I knew for a fact that my mother knew about my dreams, she’d often hear me wake up in the middle of the night calling out Rakan’s name, realising it was a dream, then going back to sleep. Of course this would continue through out the night numerous times. Talking to Kate was like talking to a stranger and not having to worry about them judging you or telling people how crazy you are. She actually made me see the sense in what was happening to me.

Instead of leaving her office and heading to meet my friends for lunch I decided to go back to the hotel room and e-mail Yousef.

Subject: Diddly Squat

This e-mail isn’t really about anything. I’m just bored and wanted to see what you were up to really. It’s kind of boring here.

Dana.

After over an hour of sitting on the office chair, I decided to pace back and forth in the hotel room, I also painted my nails, did 100 sit ups on the floor… Still no reply to my e-mail. I could’ve been out shopping with them, having lunch, having a laugh, going to the cinema. But I was here, waiting for this person who was of no significance in my life, waiting for a reply to my desperate cry for attention.
As soon as I’d realised how stupid what I was doing was I picked my handbag off the floor and headed towards the door, Just I placed my hand on the door handle to open it, I heard the distinct sound of Microsoft Entourage notifying me of a new e-mail. I smiled instantly, I knew it was him. So I dropped my bag on the floor again and pretty much ran back to the desk at the end of the room.

RE: Diddly Squat

I’m not up to anything, just work really. No clubbing, cross my heart, hope to die :)
Next time you’re going to Dubai you should let me know, I can guarantee that you won’t be bored for even a tenth of a second.
You know, I am going to be in town (Dubai) before my flight back to Kuwait.

Yousef.

Photograph: Chantal on Flickr.

4 days later, 4 mind screwing days later I flew down to Dubai. As I made my way through immigration, lugging my 40 pound carry on bag behind me I heard a voice, a familiar voice. It was him, I mean Yousef. I turned around and saw him, his dark jeans and navy blue blazer jacket, he was wearing a baby blue shirt that he’d tucked into his jeans. I smiled in his direction, he paused and smiled back, dropping his bag at his friends feet and slightly jogging towards me.“DANA!”

“Hi…” I smiled, nervously tucking my day old washed hair behind my ear.

“Another coincidence, that’s amazing”

“We do live in Kuwait, it’s inevitable that we’d run into each other” I said, a little too dryly.

“Well yeah, I guess… You’re right… Where are you headed?”

“Dubai, just for a few days; and yourself?”

“Mallorca, I have work I need to check up on.”

“That’s like key word for clubbing your asses off?” I chuckled.

“Hahaha” he laughed appreciatively. “No actually, I run a real estate firm and we have land there that I need to check on.”

“That’s interesting, I’d better get going, the gate is going to close, I wouldn’t want to miss my flight” I shook his hand and put one foot forward getting ready to walk to my gate.

“Dana…?”

“Yeah?” I turned around.

“You’ve been on my mind for the past four days… I would love it if I could speak to you… Not like this I mean… You know… What I’m trying to say is…”

“Yes Yousef, I know what you’re trying to say…”

“Look, I don’t know if you’d feel more comfortable taking my number or giving me yours so it’s your call really”

“I don’t have a business card, so why don’t you give me yours?” I suggested.

“Sure… Sure… Here it is” he nervously took his wallet out of his back pocket and handed me his business card.

“I’ll speak to you soon then” I smiled and turned away, not giving him a chance to answer.

After I had landed in Dubai, met my friends for dinner and settled in my hotel room to sleep, I thought of him, I took his business card out of the drawer in my bedside table and repeatedly read his name, like it was a lullaby that would put me to sleep.

Yousef… Yousef… Yousef and Dana… Dana and Yousef… I thought to myself.

I lay awake and listened to the city, the ambulance sirens, the sound of the wind, the people bustling outside. I felt the cool breeze on my skin as it blew my curtains in, sending cold chills down my spine. I thought of his name, his voice, his eyes, the way his hand felt in mine; almost as if God had created them just to hold me for all of eternity.

I closed my eyes and drifted into a deep sleep. I woke up in a field of tulips, my long mahogany hair blowing in my face. I turned around only to see Rakan, holding a bright red rose, it almost looked as if it was illuminated.

“Where are we?” I stuttered.

“You brought me here, you tell me”

“I don’t know Rakan”

“Don’t you see it?” he looked at me and said, like I was supposed to know what he was talking about.

“See what Rakan?”

“This…” he said as he handed me the glowing red rose “… this is you” he paused and half heartedly smiled “you see how beautiful this field of flowers is? You’re nothing compared to it, you’re a rose Dana, not a tulip, not a carnation or an ordinary bouquet of flowers… You’re a rose and you shouldn’t settle for anyone that doesn’t see you as a rose…”

“You’re a rose” he kept repeating until my dream faded away and I woke up once again in reality. I tried to make sense of what he said, trying to see meaning in it, but I couldn’t get my head round it. I couldn’t figure it out.

I watched the sunrise through the window that beamed in between the sky scrapers and I couldn’t help the tears that streamed down my face, I couldn’t help but miss him, I felt crazy wanting and missing something I never had. I cried because I wanted him, I cried because I couldn’t have him not even if I tried. I wished more than anything that he would materialise into my life, that I would wake up one day and find him laying beside me, to have and to hold for as long as I lived. I cried because I was confused, because I was delusional, because I was pathetic. I cried because he wouldn’t let me live on, because his memory haunted me, because I felt that I couldn’t love another man because of him.

I cried because the greatest love story of all was nothing but an illusion.

Photograph: ganobristol on Flickr.

approximately 5 weeks ago…

It was a warm Wednesday morning, the 9AM sun beat through my venetian lace curtains and into my eye, practically blinding me. I made my way out of bed and to the bathroom, I perched myself on the side of my bath tub and ran the water, filling it to the brim with blistering hot water.I didn’t want to turn the page and start fresh, I wanted to throw the old book out and get a brand new one instead. It was a new day for me, a new start, a new Dana.

After I’d taken my bath and put some fresh clothes on Faris my best friend called me letting me know he was downstairs. We sat in the garden and gossiped over steaming cups of tea, the bright mid day sun blared on our faces that radiated with our love for each other. As much as I loved Faris I only saw him as a friend; but he was and will always be the light of my life. He picked me up when I was down, made it better when everything went wrong, his presence in my life was all I really needed. After having lunch with my parents I made my way upstairs to change. I put on my newly purchased black Herve Leger bandage dress, paired it with my leopard print Charlotte Olympia, Dolly pumps. I kept my make up minimal, eye liner and my velvet teddy m.a.c lipstick. As for my hair, I swept it back into a pony tail and finally made my way downstairs.
This was it, my first night out after months of bed rest. I was excited, scared, I didn’t know how to feel. I had Faris with me though, what’s the worst that could happen?

We walked into The Movenpick hotel in the Bida’a area, the Pecha Kucha event was held on the beach. We walked to the back of the crowded beach front looking for an empty spot to sit. Between all the chatter, music and the fake hello-goodbye’s I spotted someone, he was tall, lean, he had broad shoulders and eyes that could turn water into wine. They were glazed over but piercing at the same time. They made him look inhuman, very Edward-like. I tried to stop my self from staring at him but his eyes, they seduced me. I couldn’t help but indulge myself in his beauty. He was poised and stood his ground but immediately turned away to fixate his glance on something else when I caught him staring at me.
The rest of the night remained uneventful, except for a few stolen glances from him every now and then.

fast forward to today…

The past 5 weeks were probably the most boring 5 weeks in my entire life, it was spent applying for jobs and going to countless interviews. After I’d finished from yet another excruciatingly long interview I dragged myself back to my car to head home. I put my windows down as I drove through downtown Kuwait City, taking in all the sites and smells, appreciating and being thankful for the second chance I had been given at life.

I decided to meet up with Faris for lunch at Wagamama. After circling the parking lot numerous times I was just about ready to give up. 15 long minutes later a black Vantage Aston Martin pulls out of a parking space that was located right beside the door. I could see the driver from the side view mirror and although he was wearing sunglasses I could’ve sworn he was looking at me.
“Such a familiar face” I thought out loud to myself as I pulled into his parking space.
I switched my car off, took my bag from the back seat and proceeded to walk towards the mall door. The strong mid December wind managed to put the cherry on top of my day by blowing my silk scarf away until it was so out of sight that I just sighed and continued walking; not bothered to fetch it or find out if it had landed anywhere.

While waiting on a table Faris and I spoke about mundane issues. I felt a tap on my shoulder and I abruptly turned around.

This time he wasn’t wearing his sunglasses so his eyes were in full throttle hypnotic mode. His pupils were large and black and I could see myself in them staring back at him. Up close his eyes were green lined with brown, or brown lined with green, I couldn’t tell. Not even if my life depended on it. His jawline was chiseled almost as if it had been carved out of stone.

“Yousef” he smiled as he stretched his friend out in front of him. I was too love struck by his beauty and perfection that I couldn’t speak. It was like someone had stuck their hand through my neck, gripped onto my vocal cords and held them so tight that it left me incapable of speaking.

“Faris” Faris smiled as he shook his hand. “That’s Dana, she has a speech impediment” My cheeks flushed a dark shade of scarlet almost instantaneously I shyly put my hand out in front of me, shook his big, strong, masculine hand and quietly said.

“Dana, sorry I was just trying to figure out who you were, you look so familiar”

“Pecha Kucha, Wednesday the 11th of November, how could I forget your face?” my cheeks went even redder and I turned my head away trying to loosen the grip of his hand on mine.

“Sorry for being so forward but I couldn’t contain myself from your beauty… Dana” I remained silent and completely still.

I didn’t know what it was… Maybe it was the way he said my name, the way the only 2 syllables rolled on his tongue, making it seem like the 4 letters were a 500 chapter love story. Or maybe it was because Rakan had said that to me before. I didn’t know what it was, all I knew was that he was the most magical person I had ever encountered. When he spoke, he looked directly into my eyes not taking his gaze off of mine for a millisecond. It was like there was no one in sight except the two of us. His eyes were comforting and gave me the same sense of security that I felt when I looked into Rakan’s eyes

“I believe you dropped your scarf” he said as he brought his other hand forward delicately and loosely draping it around my neck.

“It really compliments the colour of your eyes…” he continued “… as if your beauty wasn’t already complete…”

“Excuse me ma’am, your table is ready…” the waiter interrupted.

“Enjoy your meal, I hope to see you sooner, maybe at a not so coincidental meeting” he winked and turned away.

Photograph: lav.val on Flickr.
Title: The quote I used in the title is by Leonardo da Vinci.

I take a deep breath and look down at the hospital bed that I had lived through the best journey of my life in. I packed my things up and let out a sigh as I heard the chatter and bustle of the world around me. In the hall way I heard the buzz of the hospital nurses running back and forth and the constant beeping of the machines through the cheap plywood walls; the loud honking coming from my window, the metal bars that held me prisoner in this room. Little did I know that I had been a prisoner of my own dreams or my own reality or however you wanted to look at it. As for living within and without him I knew there would always be a little bit of both. Without him physically of course, but with his guidance and trust that love will come and I will continue my journey to create the world I had been dreaming of.

The hospital porter wheeled me out as the automatic doors opened the cold November breeze sent chills down my spine. It was going to be a cold winter without him but I didn’t let that bring me down, I thought to myself as I placed my feeble hands on the arms of the chair and stood up and walked to the car where my father was waiting for me. I walked down the cobbled road, my feet still a little unstable, my head still rushed, and my body that was once full of strength now had barely enough energy to walk a few meters. He put his strong arm around my waist letting me slightly rest on him as he walked me to the car. I was so glad my father was ok and in perfect health, I don’t know what would happen to me had his state in my dream been true. I didn’t want to know. As far as I was concerned my father was one of my very few anchors that kept me grounded. The thought did cross my mind though, but it was nothing I would want to put down in words; because my reaction in my dream was not even close to how I would have reacted in real life. Had I known my father was terminally ill I would have ended my life right there and then, without a second thought, without a minute of hesitation. I hugged him tightly before I got into the car. Whispered “I love you” into his ear as he smiled, made sure to let me know the feeling was mutual before he got into the drivers seat.

“Where to princess Dana?” he said as he put the car into drive

“Mmmm… A big mac sounds good right about now” I chuckled as I rubbed my stomach.

“Whatever Lola wants…”

“Lola gets” I exclaimed before he could finish his sentence.

He drove me to the nearest McDonald’s as I leaned over and took the sticky laminated menu from the man at the window.

“What would Rakan order?” I thought to myself and smiled as the image of his face formed in my head. I shook my head to get the thought of him off my mind.

“What’s wrong Dana?”

“Nothing baba. Let’s go home”

“Dana what’s wrong? Aren’t you going to order?”

“No baba, I’m fine, please let’s just go home”

We drove back home in silence, I remained lifeless and just kept staring out the window. When we passed Souq Sharq I remembered something, somewhere actually. Somewhere special to me, some place I knew I could go and be one with my thoughts.

“Baba?” I turned to him abruptly.

“Yes Baba?” he replied, surprised that I had spoken after the scene I created at the drive-thru.

“Drop me home to my car, I really wanna go somewhere”

“Ok” he smiled. “You’re not thinking of doing anything stupid are you?”

“Of course not” I sheepishly smiled.

By the time I got there the sun had began to set. I walked towards the end of the pier, the wooden planks felt unsteady underneath me. I couldn’t quite figure out if it was me that was unsteady or if it was in fact the ground below me. There was a quite a few people; an old man listening to music from an old school radio, he twisted and turned the knob to get the frequency he wanted, frowning and cursing, his wrinkled face made me smile on the inside. A bunch of teenage boys in white dishdashas tied at their waist were sitting, smoking and attempting to catch fish, attempting being the key word.

The longer I stayed there staring into the endless sea in front of me, the more I hurt myself. All I was doing was breaking my own heart. I wanted to leave, I wanted to turn around, take my eyes away from the nothingness I was staring into but I couldn’t, I continued to look deeper, trying to find meaning in what I was looking at, but I came up with zilch. Rakan was the first and the last thing on my mind, but I could never forget what he said to me and that’s why I never gave up hope. I wanted nothing more than to turn around right now and find him behind me, looking at me… Looking into the sea… Looking for him.
I stayed until the last rays of the sun disappeared over the horizon. Until the light from the sun was replaced with moon light and the stars.

It was finally time to make one of the hardest decisions of all.

Giving up, or trying harder.

I could live, erase the non-existent memory of him.
Or live, within the thought of him. With the thought that one day, or one night, I’ll see someone, something, somewhere that will let me know it will be okay.

A note… A sign… Something sentimental… Something to let me know he’s thinking of me too.

‘Cos the truth was he never left my dreams.

Photograph: Bu Yousef on Flickr.

I lay on the uncomfortable hospital bed that screeched and groaned with every move I made. I tossed and turned, I wanted to fall asleep, namely to dream of Rakan; but there was no seeing it. There was no Rakan and I had to acknowledge the fact that he didn’t exist. I had to come face to face with the unchangeable concrete reality, but I didn’t want to.I was in love with a dream, a fantasy, a manifestation of my loneliness, Rakan was the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. He was all I ever wanted and more.
I lay on my right side and bit my lip as a tear drop crept down my cheek, clenching my fists tightly around the metal frame of the bed so firmly that my fingers turned white, I didn’t want to cry. I sobbed silently, afraid the nurses would walk in; but with every thought and memory I had conjured up of him it hurt deeper and I silently screamed into my pillow. I screamed because the one time I wanted to be with someone he didn’t exist. The one time I was in love it was a hallucination. There was nothing I could do but endure the pain and hope it would go away.

I eventually managed to stop the tears but only with the help of the image of him laying down in front of me, looking into my eyes, embracing my face in his hands, running his fingers through my hair. I didn’t want to open my eyes, afraid that all I’d see was an empty hospital room. So afraid of my reality without him, so I pushed the button to call the nurse. I cleared my throat, wiped away the tears, pushed the hair off my face and looked up at the male nurse that walked in.

“Can you give me something to sleep?”

“They’re all talking about you, you know?” spoke his soothing, gentle, kind voice as he injected a colourless liquid into the drip attached to my arm.

“What are they saying? There’s a deranged girl in room 1 who wants to sleep just so she can fantasize over a guy she’s in love with that only exists in her dream?”

“No…” He friendlily grinned as he stood beside my bed, one hand resting on the metal and the other just above his hip that was slightly bent to one side in a queer way. “They’re saying what a hopeful person you are and how beautiful your story is and what a pleasant soul you have to love your dreams so much that all you want to do is sleep. Dana…” he  took his hand off his hip, rearranged the pillows behind my back and finally rested both his forearms on the metal frame, came close to my ear and quietly continued. “There’s nothing wrong with believing in a dream. Just don’t let it to take over your life and eventually ruin you. You’re a beautiful young lady Dana and you have your whole life ahead of you, there’s plenty of time for you to meet boys. We’ll all find our ‘Rakan’ one day. I promise”

I could have sworn he continued talking but I passed out and all I saw was a light shining into my eyes. The light finally materialised into the image of an empty white room with one white chair beside a window, and a single red rose laying on the window sill. I sat on the chair, I was well aware that I was dreaming which meant it was a lucid dream and I could control it and I could materialise anything and anyone I wanted into the dream; so I closed my eyes and whispered his name. Certain as the sun, there he was standing infront of me, casually leaning on the window sill.

“Hi beautiful, happy Valentines day”  he picked up the red rose and handed me it, his million dollar smile plastered across his face still as perfect as I had left it the last time I saw him, his big black eyes, darker than the darkest night sky that I had ever witnessed before. His perfect jaw line, thin lips, small ears and his soft wavy hair.

“Hi” I shyly whispered and let my head down.

“Dana. You brought me here. Do you know why?”

“No” I said so quietly that I could barely even hear myself. He leaned on the floor beside me holding my hands in his and finally looked up at me. I couldn’t look at his eyes knowing this was the last time I could look into them, I couldn’t hold his hands knowing I’d never feel his warmth again. I couldn’t bare the thought of living without him. I couldn’t possibly get my head around the fact that he’d never be there for me.

“Dana. I’m afraid this is it. Our journey has ended, but I promise you this, from the bottom of my heart, one day you will find me. Maybe I won’t be in this body, maybe my name won’t be Rakan, maybe I won’t look or act or talk like me, maybe I won’t even fall in love with you at first sight; only you will know it’s me. You have to promise you’ll fight for my love. You have to promise me that no matter what you’ll always have faith in your heart. I never want you to give up on love. I never want you to shed a single tear. I never want you to be upset. I exist Dana, I’m out there, you just have to be strong enough and willing to look for me, because when you do, our love will move mountains Dana, I’ve never known or witnessed a force stronger than our love for each other. You have to promise me you’ll never let the love in your heart fade. You can never give up Dana.”

“I promise” I managed to choke up as the tears filled my eyes.

“I love you Dana” and with those final words he disappeared, vanished into a ray of light.

“I love you too” I said a little too late as I woke up and saw a single red rose on the table in front of me. I didn’t know who put it there. It was too early in the morning for visitors, but I knew that it was a sign.

A sign that I should live within… or without him.

Photograph: Fransson on Flickr.

I never tried to commit suicide.
I never drove to the chalet that night.
My father never got terminal cancer.
I never came back from New York because I never went back, because I never failed.
I never ordered won ton soup or noodles, Rakan never met Chuck.
I never went for breakfast with him.
I never ate those omelette’s.
I never spent days on end talking to him.
I never looked into his beautiful black eyes.
I never ran my fingers through his hair.
I never met his mother in the bathroom of Sheraton hotel.
He never winked at me in the ball room.
He never begged me to stay in Kuwait.
He never saved my life.
He never came to visit me in New York…

I never told him I loved him.

He never existed.

I opened my eyes and saw a neon white light above my head, I was incapable of moving any limb in my body, my body was weak, my head was heavy and there was a constant beeping sound. I couldn’t figure it if it was a figment of my imagination, was I hallucinating? Was this real life?
So I call for the one person who was always there for me and I knew would not disappoint.

“Rakan?” I breathlessly whispered. “Rakan?!” now a little more blatantly.

I heard the sound of an automatic door swooshing opened and a rush of feet walking in.

“Dana… Dana?” and once again it was all a blur. I saw nothing. I felt nothing and I could hear nothing.

Waking up again in the same bright room but this time I saw familiar faces, my mother was smiling at me as she pushed my fringe out of my face. My father, all his hair still on his head and he looked healthier than ever. My oldest sister Dalal, but why wasn’t she pregnant? Where was Omniya? Where was Fahad? More importantly where was Rakan?
I felt like I was stuck in this parallel universe where nothing seemed right. I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. I needed a lucid explanation as to what was happening. I felt obscure, lost and misplaced, why was I in a hospital bed?

“Dana, I understand you’re confused right now, your blood sugar fell while you were asleep a few weeks ago, you’ve been in a coma since…”

“That was rather blunt” I mumbled. “Where’s Rakan?”

“Who’s Rakan?” The 3 of them said in unison.

“What do you mean who’s Rakan? Give me my cell phone.”

Dalal handed me my cell phone from her handbag, I switched it on, the background was a picture of me, my parents and Dalal at the beach.

“Why’s Omniya not with us in the picture?”

“Mino Omniya Dana? Mino Rakan?!” my dad said, raising his voice.

“MY SISTER! Why are you shouting at me?”

“Dana I’m your sister, your only sister. What are you talking about” Dalal pleaded.

I thoughtlessly brushed off what they were saying and began to type Rakan’s name into my contact book, all I saw was.

Rania Cell
Rania Work
Rasha
Rasha Home

I proceeded to go to my SMS box to look for all his text messages but there was nothing there, nothing except a few text messages from my sister and best friends wishing me a happy Valentines day.

“W-w-where are all my messages? YOU DELETED THEM” I screamed at Dalal
“Why would you do something that CRUEL?!?! The first text when he told me he loved me! Where are all the pictures?! Beside the Statue of Liberty?! The ones in Central Park?!” I yelled as I scrolled through my gallery
“How could you Dalal! HOW COULD YOU?!” I burst into tears and threw my phone at the wall sending it shattering into pieces on the floor. They were all astounded at the way I was acting and looked at me as if I was being irrational and absurd.

“JUST GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! ALL OF YOU” I pulled the blanket over my head and sobbed until it hurt to think. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I wanted to pull these machines and wires off my chest and arms. I wanted to look for Rakan. I wanted to sleep because maybe then I would go back to the other parallel universe where I could be with him, where things were normal. Maybe I was dreaming, that was my only explanation. So if I went to sleep in my dream would I wake up in reality?

Little did I know that this was my reality.

My reality without Rakan.

I had to find the pieces of this oddly shaped puzzle before I could fix them in place.

Photograph: Miss Black Butterfly on Flickr.