Journal Entry 22 – Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you.

Everyone knew not to wake me, everyone knew my room was off limits. I lay awake, unaware of the world outside my 4 walls. If only he knew what I would’ve done for him, how I would walk to the end of the earth and back for another minute, or even another second of being with him. How much I wanted to hold him, hold his face in my hands and kiss his lips and have him kiss me back. I would give my soul for him to open his eyes, I wished that I would die and he could live. I could deal with a lot of things, but I couldn’t deal with Faris dying.Now what? Where do I go? What was I supposed to do? Who was I supposed to speak to when I need someone to speak back?

As I walked into the doors of the hospital I felt like today was going to be different, like there would be some sort of medical miracle and he would wake up from his vegetative state. We still had over 2 weeks to wish for the best. 2 weeks of crying, of torture, of prayers, of pain; but most importantly, 2 weeks of hope.

“Good morning” I said to the nurse, I’m pretty sure what I said sounded more like a question, rather than a statement.

“Good morning” she replied.

“Any improvements?” I asked hopelessly.

“No improvements, no changes” she said in dismay.

“He’ll wake up” I said and walked towards his room in the ICU.

“Good morning you old fart!” I said and kissed him on his forehead.

“The weather is starting to get warmer, I know. typical Kuwaiti winter. The weather is below zero in New York according to my google page. You’d have a bitch fit, it was freezing yesterday, today I’m literally wearing flip flops. If you look on the bright side then I guess chalet season is back! We can go jet skiing, wake boarding, tanning, fishing”

I looked around the room, I was running out of things to say, one way conversations weren’t really my forte.

“You know my grandma had one of those tube-y things in her throat when she was in hospital, when she woke up she was so mad at the doctors cos her lips were so dry; and you know how mama used to take care of her lips the whole time. She was constantly stealing my chapstick, so I bought you a dozen labello sticks so you don’t steal mine”

I had to make him think I was still living my life and not locking myself in my room every night so I tried coming up with a lie.

“I went shopping yesterday, I bought these really cute pair of shoes; you’d be proud of me though cos I bought them on sale and it was like I practically saved money! I’ll wear them when you get out of hospital, there’s this new restaurant that opened on the gulf road, I promise I won’t go without you” I said and smiled.

“The doctors are telling me you’re getting better” I lied

“… and that you’re going to wake up soon” I lied again.

“I can’t wait, this hospital is boring and the dude in the room beside you” I leaned in to his ear and whispered “Smells like rotten animal carcass, seriously needs a shower, so do you while we’re on the subject” I giggled a little.

“I’m gonna read for you, remember I used to read for you when we were kids? The book is called ‘Love Letters of Great Men’ I know, I know you’re going to give me crap cos Carrie read it to Big, but that was just one line of the book, besides you bought it for me, remember? We were in Borders, it was after class, they were just about to shut, you ran in and got it for me and I was standing outside in the rain”

So I read to him, our reading session ended on page 129.

“… my soul clings to your soul, my life is your life, and in all the world of pain and pleasure you are my ideal of admiration and joy…” I folded the corner of the page and closed the book.

“That was from Oscar Wilde to his lover, who you probably already know is a man, there still is one love letter in that book, it wasn’t published though, I added it to the book on the very last page and I won’t read it to you, you’re gonna have to read it when you wake up Faris”

I stopped talking cos I had nothing to talk about so I dropped my flip flops on the floor and lay down beside him, brought my lips up to his ears and began to whisper.

“I miss you so much and you need to wake up because I can’t live without you” I paused and a tear dropped rolled down my cheek.

“I can’t think, I can’t see, I can’t eat, I can’t breathe without you Faris, it’s hard to breathe without you. I can’t sleep at night because I lay awake in bed praying for you, I pray because I’m scared, scared God is going to take you away. I’m not saying I can’t wait Faris, because I can wait, I can wait forever. I’ve got years to wait; but you have to wake up. For me , for us. I’m nothing without you”

I ended our one sided conversation on that note and fell asleep, soundly, for the first time in over a week, only because I could feel his heart beating in my ear, as far as I was concerned he was alive, and if his heart continued to beat then so would mine.

Photograph: Something Monumental on Flickr

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